Oct 8, 2003
well it's 11:18 right now and i'm still tired as hell but i'm avoiding sleep..why? well your guess is as good as mine. anyways once again when i will ramble on about insiginficant crap in this and kill some time before i convince myself i need to sleep or i'm going to be dead tired in class tommrow night. not like that class is any work and i'm not getting a grade for it so why bother right? i wouldn't go if emma didn't want me to go with her just cause it's a repeate of human services and honsetly i know most of the stuff we cover cause it's basic devlopment stuff and it's like i spent 2 damn years on observation and basic devolpment. my mom gave me this college text book thingy on litarture that i'm interested to look at when i'm more awake, i'm hoping for some good poetry who knows tho. i've got to find a way up to burlington this weekend..theres shows friday, saturday and sunday that i want to go to but i need a ride there and back but maybe i'll be able to do it. haha well rancid really loud is waking me up a bit if i must say. i love this song she's automatic it's great...a love song by rancid haha. oooh i just found out that thursday was playing with thrice and the deftones...i'm so fucking happy about this i love thursday almost as much as i love thrice..i may not stick around for the deftones tho...needless to say their not my favorite band but it depends on whatever everyone else wants to do. i'm looking forward to the show in rutvegas for halloween i love the rutvegas shows for some reason. and chainsaws and children..that's going to be so so good. no one is online..it seems no one has been online a lot lately whitch sucks cause it leaves me with no one to talk to at 1am anymore but oh well. i need to save up for a computer tho i really need one for when i move out i'm addicted to AIM. man i can barly keep my eyes open right now and there doing the twitchy thing. i probally look like hell too since i haven't really slept much. it's not that i don't want to sleep it's just that i find it hard to fall asleep and stay that way..i can of course at 2am. i want to watch my crow dvd again but my bro is for some reason in the living room so i can't do that grrrr. i have two days off on the 23rd and 24th! i think i'm susposed to go to a teaching conference one of those days and knowing me i'll go..hell i need the money but i'll be free afterwards so lets hope i can make it up to burlington. i really need a car tho cause i'd like to go up by myself at some point and just hang around there doing what i want to and such. not that i mind emma and brian going with me at all it's just i guess i need some time to be alone and i want to hang out on the waterfront i imagine theres not going to be too many nights for that anymore so i'd like to take some pictures of it and such. ok i'm just wasting time right now so its time i do something else. peace.
Posted at 11:24 pm by xbrokendreamsx
aren't these happy pictures? hahaha
Posted at 09:49 pm by xbrokendreamsx
im breathing in your skin tonight, quiet is my loudest cry, wouldnt want to wake the eyes that make me melt inside. and if its healthier to let you be, may a sickness come and set me free, kill me while i still beleive that you were meant for me.
-"rough draft" by "yellow card"
so that's fine, yeah come by we'll take the afternoon off
we can kiss and undress or if you want just talk
cause i've got nothing real, just empty space to fill
and you're my girl i like your style just imagine all the time we could kill
bright eyes-loose leaves
"Another day passes by. Another attempt at love. Remains unrequited.
Why do I even bother? I should have learned from the past. I am but a statue.
Impervious to love. This punctured heart is mine. Becomes a handful of dust. Dust.
Hope has now wilted away. Wilted. Along with these dreams. That became emptiness.
A final exit becomes clear. I am self destructive. A product of this solitude.
I am riddled with shards. One simple wish now dies. Was my request so great?"
Grain of Salt - Poison The Well
"bleed one more time for me.
cause my heart is filled with loneliness.
and this world is filled with loneliness.
bleed one more time for me.
cause the struggles of this world are blistering."
.dead poetic.
My city's still breathing (but barely it's true) through buildings gone missing like teeth. The sidewalks are watching me think about you, all sparkled with broken glass. I'm back with scars to show. Back with the streets I know. They never take me anywhere but here. Those stains in the carpet, this drink in my hand, these strangers whose faces I know. We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way" and wait for the year to drown. Spring forward, fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are. All this time lingers, undefined. Someone choose who's left and who's leaving. Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me: some matches, a blanket, this pain in my chest, the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires, new words for old desires, and every birthday card I threw away. I wait in 4/4 time. Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.
i'm feeling so alone today. alone and numb.
i'll ice my thoughts. i'll ice my mind for now.
it's not your fault. you did what you could do.
for this i will love you for always.
you hold my heart and my tiny hand. thank you for all these things - Benton Falls
Posted at 08:09 pm by xbrokendreamsx
another night in burlington
10:00 is still way too early for me to wake up...i went to burlington last night with emma and brian so that was cool. we wondered around the u mall for a while and went to spencers and tried on pimp hates witch was quite amusing. we hanged around church street for a bit but no one was out and we were all getting bored and tired around 11:30 so we went to denny's early and ended up meeting up with brad and his friends whitch was cool. brad got a stuffed turkey haha that was great. anyways i had a good time and his friends seemed pretty cool so all in all it was a good night. i forgot about the chainsaws and children show on the 24th until brad brought it up...i would have remembered it eventully but it's good that he said something because now i have to check for rides and such but i'm going there's no question about that. ok well i'm tired as hell and cold so i'm off. peace.
Posted at 10:20 am by xbrokendreamsx
Oct 7, 2003
Get me far away or at least as far as this car will take Dont hold this against me Ive already said Im sorry
ive been thinking id like to see your eyes open real wide the min you see me but if you dont come thru i wouldnt wait for you i understand that every1 goes disapearing into that greater grey that covers over everyday and hovers in the distance ive been up all night i might sleep all day get your dreams just right then let em slip away
Tomorrow we'll wake up in time to stop this double suicide through kisses laced with cyanide...
So stop me now
Stop my thoughts cause you're killin me
But you don't know
Even though we've grown apart
I'll still be there for you
Cause I don't wanna be just a memory to you
-aim profile...don't want to forget this but want to change my profile...hence it ended up herePosted at 12:16 am by xbrokendreamsx
finally i'm done with all my homework, it seems redundent though, the minute i finsih all my assinments for the week it's time to go back to class and get a whole new list of things that i will have to do. I found out that UVM you need 30 credits to be considered a transfer student so well fuck that i'm not going to have 30 credits at the end of this year and there's no way i'm staying in middlebury another year. so it looks like it's champlain or ccv in burlington because wiether i get into school there or not i'm living in burlington next year. I'm up waiting for brian to come now, i'm not really sure when he's going to get here since i'm not sure what time he got out of work but it's midnight right now so i'm hoping it's soon. No one is online witch is strange but oh well guess i'll talk to everyone tommrow, i may be up in burlington..ah damn it i meant to tell mike that too and of course i don't have his number damn well there's this weeked i suspose. if brad comes online i'll talk ask him about hanging out i just don't want to feel like he has to all the time..i don't want to make it seem like he needs to hang out with me and whoever everyime we were in burlington not that i'm complaining that's defently the last thing on my mind, i love having him around i just don't want him to feel like he has to or anything like that. well i'm off i suspose nothing too interesting happened today so nothing to say. peace. 
Posted at 12:01 am by xbrokendreamsx
Oct 6, 2003
12:57 am:
watching the clock
as the minutes turn to hours as they fade away
sitting alone it's almost one
and you're not here.
so fake a smile so i can sleep tonight
say the words that make you sleep tonight
pretend this silence wasn't anything
and hide the tears with black
as my heart beats faster with each word
but you dont care
and i dont think i will tonight
wordless i saw you fade into the past
a memory of feelings that didn't last
those words dont come so eaisly today
you take my hand
im screaming to let go not tonight
this isnt loud enough for you to hear
but it was never loud enough
laughing you hold onto my eyes
why can't i look away
just tonight tonight let me sleep
you mean nothing
so much for lies
Posted at 01:12 am by xbrokendreamsx
so kiss me hard cause this will be the last time that i let you...
well it's midnight and i'm still up...probally will be for a while longer actully. i should be doing homework or something but i'm not feeling up to it. I saw Joe today, that was...well akward. i haven't talked to him in a while and he was just like so who's the guy you've been with latley? and i'm just like uh i hang around with a lot of guys who do you mean? and he was like well you don't tend to hold hands with just friends so that one and i'm just like uhh...how long ago was this? it must have been a long time ago but who knows i just shurgged and changed the subject. haha i'm good at that i suspose. he makes me uncomfertable a lot, like he was telling me how him and his friends had gotten in fights and kept refering to violence and beating people up and i'm not really into that whole macho guy stuff. i mean i think it's cool when a guy will stand up for his friends and will get involved when he has to but not enjoy doing it or go around looking for kids to fight. Also he was telling me how he went out to dinner with his friends last night and they wouldn't let him drink cause he was driving and he was all pissed off about that and that makes me kind of nervous to go anywheres alone with him. it was just so weird cause we haven't talked in such a long time and he just acted like it was all good and nothing had happened. ah he confuses me. oh well tho i'm not going to waste my time worrying about it, if he wants to be friends again sure whatever i beleive in second chances so why not? but i can guarntee i'm not hanging out with him alone for a while. that's the whole trust issue with me if i don't trust someone i won't hang out with them by myself. Corey broke up with emma...neither one of us saw that one coming i still maintain she should go out with this kid matt that we met but i'm not going to push it or anything i mean i think it would be cool but i don't know if that's what she needs right now or what she wants but she does like him i'm just not sure how serious she is about it and such. I guess i'm hanging out with lance this weekend all i can say is were going to burlington and i need to find some other people to hang out with up there. but at least i'll be in burlington, maybe brad will want to hang out again or mike and hopefully i can convince emma to come to that way she can get her mind off of corey hell i know what shes going thru tho (im not going to get into detals cause its not my place to say them) but i can say i know the feeling. hmm...i don't know how much longer i'm going to stay on i'm not feeling too much like just doing nothing so maybe i'll go to sleep even though i'm not really tired...oh well guess there's always tony hawk 3. well i've got some lyrics to add to my AIM thing so i'm off. peace. 
Posted at 12:09 am by xbrokendreamsx
Oct 5, 2003
i'm so tired right now, i didn't get home until 5 last night from burlington but it was great. i hanged out with emma and then brad when he got out of work and we met matt, who is this insanly cool squatter kid reminded me of herion bob from SLC punk. very nice kid, a bit drunk but nice none the less and he was like (to emma) do you have a date for tonight? and emma was just like no and he's like well i'll be your date and then we can be on a double date but what do people actully do on dates cause i don't really go on them that much. hahahahaha i guess it was more funny in person but he was a nice kid anyways. and of course hanging out with brad is always good, i put my head on his shoulder for a while at denny's witch was cool cause he is comfertable haha :) he reminds me so much of greg...just the way he looks and talks and such i must say it does make me a bit nervous around him not the bad kind of nervous just the kind where i can never think of anything to say. we also met andy from albany who was incredibly drunk and making an ass out of himself but it was funny and then this other kid that emma met who was really drunk and was hitting on her she didn't really like that too much and then some other guy who was obviously a lot older then her was hitting on her too, it seems we were attracting the drunk crowd haha. then we went to denny's because denny's kicks ass. anyways great night, now i actully have to do work tonight and such and i'm not looking forward to that one. i talked to jeremey today witch was good to hear from him because i haven't heard from him a in couple of days and i need to talk to mike now actully because my AIM messed up the last night i was here and i didn't get to go back on to finish talking to him so i have to explain why that happened so he doesn't think i'm mad at him. fuck i'm so tired right now its insane it was great though, i would have defenently stayed out later if anyone else had wanted to despite being tired and just kind of chilling in denny's i was having a good time. anyways i'm off to the park for a while. peace.
Posted at 12:57 pm by xbrokendreamsx
Oct 3, 2003
maybe it's the lack of people i've actully talked to today but i don't know, all of a sudden i just kind of feel down and i don't really know why. i guess i'm just lonly or something like that. i hate this, i wish someone would come online other then brian not that brian isn't good to talk to it's just i'd like to talk to some other people as well. maybe i'm just tired or something but i hope this feeling is gone before tommrow i don't like it. goat's back from college and were probally going to hang out some day after work. it looks like i'll be up in burlington on wednesday so that would be good i'd like to see some people around that aera. i imagine it's going to be quite a long night unfourntly, lets hope something gets me out of this mood relitivly soon.
Posted at 11:55 pm by xbrokendreamsx
